Depression Discovery
In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and the Most Beneficent.
The pandemic Covid-19 has changed us in many ways, from working from home (WFH) to the economic downturn, virtual classes, and the rise of mental health issues. Never in my life had I understood what actual depression could do to our lives. To tell the truth, I was among the people who thought that depression was a spiritual weakness and was taught so since I was young.
My depression journey began during lockdowns. Fearing being infected, I isolated myself alone in a room for months. Anxiety started to kick in. As an avid follower of the Covid death rate and seeing the crowded ICU, I was always on edge. I routinely wrote letters to university management to expedite vaccinations for non-vaccinated students in my residential block became routine. Due to my active voice, I was appointed as a Covid task force volunteer and became a healthcare vigilante.
Things turned south when I started to cry during virtual classes. As someone who enjoys learning, virtual classes exhausted me. Long hours facing the monitor and zero human interaction worsened my health. Thus, a simple greeting from the delivery man was helpful enough to remind me of my social life before. Yet, the pitfalls of isolation returned; crying and nausea became common, and three months later, I started to seek help.
The quote “People always looked down on those who are weak” has always stuck with me. Moreover, I remembered being told by many not to show my weakness and flaws because nobody is interested in difficulties and that is the reason social media only display beautiful pictures. Therefore, I am ready to be discriminated against when I seek medical assistance. But before I went to the clinic, I self-diagnosed myself using Google, and believed that I was crazy.
At the beginning of my depression, questioning my doings, decisions, shortcomings, and family affairs were the main contributors to my behavioral changes. I cried whenever I thought of my late dad and late grandmother. I found myself crying while doing my assignments, and vomiting from skipping meals. Hating myself for being an underachiever. I remembered all the negative treatments I received since I was young, everything flashback in memory. Then, I understood the sarcasm received, the double standard treatment, being the object of scorn at gatherings, and many more.
Thank God, I am blessed with an understanding doctor. My doctor educates me that depression is not an insanity disease but can be treated just like fever. Counseling and medications are necessary for treatment. The doctor warned me about the social stigma and prepared me for it. In a few days, I was referred to the hospital psychiatrist for better treatment. Once more, I was blessed with a warm doctor. She was fully professional even though I was a wreck and looked mentally ill.
What I learned from this experience is to let things go and stay with people who are supportive of what you are doing. Among many things, I realized that not everyone is happy with others' achievements. I began to notice narcissists around me, the negative influences that shaped my perspective toward people, the exclusiveness instilled, and the lack of ambitious people demeaning my future. These standpoints were corrupting my mind.
Today, I learn to detach myself from unmeaningful conversations, snitching, gossiping, and condemning strangers. These were things of the past, God will judge them, not me. To be happy and recover from major depression, I forgive everyone and leave everything behind. I am braver in confronting problems, confident in highlighting mental issues, and do not worry about standing alone because I believe that what you feel, you attract.
All those memories and experiences taught me the meaning of life. We need social interactions, empathy, and big-hearted professionals. Depression taught me to love myself and embrace my past. All the struggles and difficulties shaped my character and God always humbled me with many unopen doors, which I believe will be achieved soon. Open your eyes, the world is so big to explore so do not grieve a broken phone for a whole day. Consequently, it is alright to be a commoner, a wage worker, an unpopular girl, and not highly intelligent because nothing lasts forever. So let’s embrace who we are and not hate ourselves for petty things.
Besides, the opinion of a sheep does not matter to a lion. Focus on your goal, seek consultation from a professional, and seek advice from certified people regardless of bankers, brokers, professors, and counsellors. Do not think that you are alone; remember your loved ones. Together we are stronger.
Good luck!
